Random rant!

I'm a freakin' secretary. Not a scientist. A secretary. Who files things. And record things. Nicely. Because just recording experiments won't do. They have to be recorded nicely. So they look beautiful. What is this...a freakin' beauty pageant?

I hate science. I hate everything. My chakras are totally out of sync with each other. My aura is colored moldy green today. I've swallowed 3 cups of coffee and a LOT of pride.

Oh well....it can't get worse...right?

About ChiknaBoy.Oh, and man breasts too.

I have rediscovered the joy of living. You know. The little things. Smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. Listening to Matty saying inappropriate things on his Radio show. The tinkling sound of the little Feng Shui fountain of water that sits on my kitchen table. Reading the Times of India. Now, the 5 readers of this blog maybe surprised at that last statement. In the past I have made my feelings about the Times very clear. I thought it was horsecrap. But I have turned over a new leaf. Found my place in the karmic cycle of life. And laughed hysterically over these two gems. Really, someone should post a NSFW warning on the TOI website. But, that little quibble aside....The TOI is a work of art. And, as we all know...A thing of beauty, is a joy forever!

I could waste a lot of time and energy just admiring the sheer vapidity of the articles. Not to mention the innumerable grammatical errors. But it would end up as a 3000 word blogpost. And face it. I don't want to write that...and you ain't gonna read it. So, only a few comments on each article. Lets start with Chintu's Chiknaboy. The title's good. Alliteration is always awesomely amazing. The whole hoopla seems to be because Chiknaboy dropped his pants for a scene in a movie I haven't seen. Thats why all these paens are being sung to his body and how comfortable he is in his own skin. OK. Fair enough. He drops his pants, people notice. Good. I'm happy for Ranbir. Just one or two statements I take exception to.

A). He has his father’s innocence and vulnerability and the young Neetu’s exuberance and joi de vivre (sadly today Neetu has metamorphosed into an unsmiling though svelte older version).

Why all the Neetu hating? Seems uncalled for.

B). This young Adonis has had the unbelievable effect on women of all ages making them admit they love Ranbir for his body! This, in a culture where women are loathe to admit an interest in the male physique, where they will chide themselves for even an involuntary straying of the eyes towards forbidden areas!

Duh! We don't even have sex in our culture...so please....stop all this imagery of women as sexual creatures. Someone set the moral police on this journo please. She's corrupting innocent minds with all her talk of "looking" and "running-to-beds." Chee.

And now...my personal favorite:

C). And with him, he hopefully brings in an era where not just women, but even men drop clothes to win admirers. And where women are open about their admiration of the male form. Where not just female but even male assets are commodified, all in the name of fun and the box-office!

Is this journo for real? Where did she go to journalism school? Did they not teach her that the terms "commodification of assets"(even if it IS a tight male butt that is being commodified) and "fun" should never be in the same sentence? Lady, you need to move to the economics section of the newspaper. You with your big, fancy, economic-sounding words!

OK...moving on. Article No.2. Its one of those articles that makes me feel old. Because after a certain age its hard for your brain to process new concepts. And mine is collapsing under the intellectual weight of the phrase "male cleavage."(from here on referred to as MC) But they do have a picture to help the mentally challenged. I think I have a grasp of the bare bones of the concept. Its a very informative article. Especially for those who aspire to bare their MC.

But there are some questions that must never be asked. Like this one:

What’s the best way for a man to get a heaving bosom?

If I have to answer this(and I really don't want to!), I'd say sex change operation, dude!

Also, finally men get to have their own version of an eating disorder. Lucky them...it doesn't even involve food. And it has a guy sounding name: BIG-o-rexia Nervosa. Jerks! They turn "Ano" into "BIG" and suddenly its a disease! Whatever!

And for the grand finale:

By all means, pound the bench press and gallantly flaunt your ascent from a size S to an L. But be warned: Stop when you reach the ‘lean chiselled pec’, make sure that other parts of your torso too are growing in proportion to avoid looking like a heaving hustler and please leave the peep show to the gender that has been naturally blessed with them.

Yeah..guys. Make your OTHER body parts grow in proportion please. We need proportion. We are all for proportion. Boobs and Ass(get your mind out of the gutter!) must be proportionate to each other. Newton's 5th Law.

Only You: A review

I absolutely adore Marisa Tomei. Have ever since I watched My cousin Vinny. She was sassy and spunky, and way smarter than her "lawyer" boyfriend. So, when I was snooping around Blockbuster for a light-hearted movie my eyes fell on "Only You". I figured, what the heck... it can't suck too bad.

So, there I was, sprawled on my sofa, eating my Honey Bunches of Oats(emergency dinner option), trying to write my grant, and watching "Only You." About 10 minutes into the movie, I'd given up all pretense of writing. It was funny. Because she ran to the airport to catch a flight to Venice in her wedding dress (that was really ugly) to meet a guy she'd never even met who was her supposed soulmate. So, I completely do NOT buy that soulmate crap. (I hated Serendipity! Thought it was a terrible movie.) And this one was based on similar lines..guy and girl meet and fall in love because its their Karma. But with so many twists and turns and in such non-destined fashion, that you can't help but melt into a puddle of mush. Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. light the screen up. They've got great chemistry(or they're really great actors, who can tell.) And just when you think the movie has descended into sap, you find it hasn't. It jumps right up and takes you through a breathless series of events and tiny, unforgettable moments. Like RDJ helping Tomei dress for her date. And picture postcard shots of Italy. The ending is cliched. Of course it is. They literally fly off into the sunset together. But they do it with so much pizazz that you're rooting for them.

I enjoy romantic comedies. Its a genre that if well-done can be a wonderful watch. Of late, its been hard to find a good one. They're either too sappy, or not funny enough. Or, even worse..slapstick "fart-joke" funny. This one's a keeper. Along with When Harry met Sally, It happened one Night, Roman Holiday, The Shop around the Corner and Woman of the Year. Its definitely a keeper. By which I mean that I may buy the DVD. Not that I will never return the rented DVD to Blockbuster.

Note to self: Must visit Venice before it sinks!

Babies, babies everywhere!

I've been rather quiet this past week because I've been buried under an avalanche of babies. I spent the week at my cousin's place, because he was going away on work and I was needed to give a hand with the kids. Ages 5, 2-and-a-half and 10 months. Why he thought I would be helpful is a million dollar question. I am not one of those girls who fawns over babies. I like them...most of them. At a distance. I can even play with them...for about 5 minutes. I'm reasonably fond of niece no.1. Nieces 2 and 3 were relative mysteries to me till last week. 2 is hyper-active and plays a lot. 3 would just shriek whenever I went there, so my goal was to try and not make her cry. By which I mean that I never paid much attention to her till I had to share living space with her.

So, the thing about houses with babies, especially when there are 3 of them, is that there are toys everywhere. And usually food everywhere as well. No.2 hid a half-eaten biscuit in my coat pocket. She also hid her breakfast inside the couch I was sleeping on. I learnt on day 1 that I needed to check what I sat on, slept on, or wore, before I did any of the above. I also learnt that babies are jealous, manipulative creatures. 1 is insanely jealous of 2 and 3. Resents them invading her space. Whines all the time to Mommy to pick 3 up, or not let 2 come into her room. She has kind of a high-pitched voice, so the whining grates on your ears. Not to mention your nerves. By day 3 I'd caught on enough to know when to retire to an inner sanctum and plug my ears with headphones. As you can probably guess, I wasn't much help at all.

I did run around behind 2, trying to get her to eat. She only eats french fries, and drinks SunnyD orange juice. Seriously..she won't drink any other kind of orange juice. I spent 30 minutes at the local grocery store looking for SunnyD, because Tropicana just wouldn't cut it. I helped 1 spell carriage, chocolate, and kangaroo. I still kept my distance from 3. 

So, by this time you are thinking I'm some kind of she-devil who hates kids. Not to worry. There's a "moment" coming right up. I woke up on day 4,(at the insanely early hour of 7am.) because I felt someone flicking my lip. Yeah..flicking my lip. I don't know what else to call it. I opened my eyes to find 3 standing there with this totally serious look on her face. Staring at me with her big, brown eyes. And flicking my lower lip with her finger. I think it was her way of saying: "Wake up you moron, its 7am. I'm not shrieking at you anymore. Which means I'm now comfortable in your presence. Play with me already." So, I did. And it was fun.
She's cuddly and plump. She has a gurgly laugh. And she likes to laugh. And after playing for about 15 minutes, she stole my heart by falling asleep in my lap. A baby who sleeps before you're tired of playing with her! I hope my kid inherits some of her genes!

On the whole...I think I had a good time. Even with all the feeding, pooping and toy-scattering going on, it feels warm and fuzzy. Because, sometimes, for no apparent reason, 1 will come and hug me and say "I love you athai". And 3 flicks my lip. And 2...well she's just 2. Finicky, but adorable. So, yeah. I had a good time.

 

Soul food...

Dawn.

When night is almost done,
And sunrise grows so near
That we can touch the spaces,
It 's time to smooth the hair

And get the dimples ready,
And wonder we could care
For that old faded midnight
That frightened but an hour.

-Emily Dickinson

Who needs rasam sadam when you have Dickinson?

C'est La Vie!

When I was a kid Diwali meant waking up at 4am. Having oil rubbed into your scalp against your will. Sometimes having someone scrape a piece of turmeric across your face and hands. While someone else sings "Gauri Kalyanam" off-key. After Ganga snaanam in the comfort of my bathroom(shampooing atleast twice to get the oil off), I'd wear new clothes(all new, from the inside out, you understand). It would be 6am by then. Time to gorge myself until I felt sick.

Idli sambar for breakfast. Followed by bakshanams made by mom. Mixture. Badam barfi. Thattai. Therattipaal. And others whose names I cannot recollect. Of course to digest all this, you eat the delicious legiyum.(aka marindhu) And after I ate until I was sure to explode, we'd go to the temple. Call all our relatives to wish them a Happy Diwali. And usually head to my mama's place later in the day.Where I'd eat more of the same. Except the chef was my mami, not my mom. We'd take the bus back home in the evening. Nigdi-Kothrud. A 1 hour trip in a bus that would be unusually empty on account of Diwali. I'd be half asleep by the time I got home. Not surprising, considering all the food consumed.

Since we celebrate Narakachaturdashi which is a day before Laxmi Pujan, I'd get to hang out with my friends on Laxmi Pujan. Go to several friends' houses. Eat Faral. Hang out. It was always fun. 

The only thing I didn't like about Diwali were the noisy firecrackers. That particular disease was owing to the fact that I'd spent 8 years growing up in a country where it wasn't allowed. Today, the only things that remind me that it IS Diwali is the Orkut message board and a few phone calls. I wish someone would burst a lousy firecracker. 

Happy Diwali!

 
 

Sap and Satire

I watched 2 movies over the weekend. The first was A Room with a View. I hadn't read the novel, and the movie sounded interesting. Daniel Day Lewis is always worth a watch. It was a disappointment. I don't know why I was expecting something more like an Age of Innocence, which is a wonderfully well written novel, and a well made movie. Instead I got something out of a Mills&Boon type novel. Helena Bonham-Carter is OK. But the actor who plays George Emerson, her love interest is totally uninspiring. Daniel Day Lewis is wonderful as usual, but even he can't rescue this one. Its a lost cause.
Why George and Lucy fall in love is a mystery. Maybe it was because she swooned in his arms early on in the movie. Yep. Faints conveniently into his outstretched arms. If thats not trashy Victorian romance, I don't know what is. So, I was just totally bored with the entire thing.
Except for about 5 minutes half-way into the movie. There was this completely unnecessary scene with 3 completely nude men cavorting around in a pool. Then chasing each other around it. It was hilarious. Why they spent 5 whole minutes showing that I didn't know then. So, after watching the movie I googled E.M. Forster. Everything is crystal clear now.

The second movie was far more satisfactory. I watched Thank You for Smoking. And thoroughly enjoyed it. Aaron Eckhart is a spokesman for The Academy of Tobacco Studies. He has the unenviable job of defending cigarette smoking, and playing down its risks, so to speak. He is a charming, smooth talking man who does what it takes to "pay the mortgage." All the while trying to keep it honest with his kid. The scenes between Eckhart and Rob Lowe(esp. the phone conversation with Lowe in a Kimono) are awesome. As is the scene where Eckhart helps his son out with his homework.(Essay on why America has the best government in the world!) The Mod Squad lunches are brilliant. The idea of 3 people with sucky jobs comparing notes with such nonchalance is beyond funny.
The best part of the movie is that it offers no judgements on smoking, while accepting the risks associated with it. No preachy message at the end. He changes jobs, yeah. But now he speaks on behalf of cell-phone companies...saying that cell phone usage doesn't cause brain tumors. Nothing changes really. No miraculous awakening of conscience. Which is pretty awesome, because people never really change in real life. Jerry Maguire like transformations(I love Jerry Maguire, btw. Just saying.) only ever happen in the movies. So, 5 gold stars for Thank You for Smoking.

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